Articles

Eye Contact

One of the sexiest things you can do is look your partner in the eye. I don’t mean some kind of fleeting glance. I mean genuinely lose yourself in her eyes; fall into them and risk losing yourself inside them. Today, we spend most of our time with our eyes glued to distractions: our phones; our laptops; the television. When we are with our partners, we’re pulling in any of myriad directions, and it can start to feel disconnecting and distancing rather than intimate and uniting.

There’s a science to falling in love with someone through eye contact.  More than 20 years ago, a psychologist by the name of Arthur Aron conducted an experiment to see if he could make two people fall in love with each other in his lab.  And the results were surprising. If two people have only a little commonality, but then spent a prescribed amount of time looking deeply into each others eyes, the likelihood of falling in love with that person is surprisingly high.

A year ago now, I had a woman come into my life. We were both were looking for a specific kind of relationship; one that revolved around a dynamic sex life as well as a power-exchange dynamic, where she could safely be submissive in the bedroom and I could be dominant. But after two dates, she was thinking I wasn’t capable of controlling her in that way. She liked the fact that I respected her, but she wasn’t convinced I could be anything other than simply a friend. And while there is a joy to cultivating a friendship, that wasn’t what I wanted. So when she agreed to come down to my apartment for the evening, I told her I wanted four minutes of her time as soon as she arrived.

I arrived at that time because she had taken to saying “good boy” every time I agreed with her. She did it four times in quick succession the day before she was to come down, as well as the day of our date. So I told her I wanted a minute for each of those texts, which really did grate on me. And when she arrived, she thought I was going to do something more extreme than what I did. I sat her at the end of a couch and made her look me in the eye for four minutes. I did this for one simple reason: I’d read her blog about being recently sober, and I knew from what she’d shared that she valued but was nervous about being seen for the person she was. She was learning to be vulnerable in that kind of setting.

What ensued, though, was more profound than what either of us had considered possible. There was a welling up of emotions during that time. We were able to cycle through some feelings of initial discomfort at being so close to each other but not speaking; allowing, instead, the power of our eye contact to carry the conversation for us. There was a amusement at just staring at one another. But then something else happened as those initial nerves and jitters wore down. We fell into a kind of intimacy and disbelief at the connection we were feeling. A couple minutes into the time, she put her hand on my chest, and I put mine on hers. It was a unifying moment that had nothing to do with sex or play or nakedness. It had everything to do with solidifying a connection. And when that time was up, she asked if we could keep going.

Needless to say, we continued.

And that eye contact, now, is part of our routine. When either of us feels off or disconnected, we come back together through quiet time spent simply looking into each other’s eyes.  It’s powerfully grounding as a couple. But it also is empowering as individuals. Each of us feels seen in the space we are. There’s no place to hide or to run. And for both of us, who are predisposed to either running or numbing our feelings, this kind of intimacy is a radical kind of presence.

So the suggestion is something very simple. Eye contact can be ritualized, and it’s a critical component to not only falling in love, but also in staying in love with a partner. The idea is to take just a few minutes each day to stop, be quiet, and to simply see each other as the person we are.  What you’ll find, I’ll bet, is an increased connectivity and validation in the roles you’ve chosen. There’s an appreciation. There’s a deepening desire. There’s more intimacy. And the resulting feeling is that nothing is more important than the person your looking at.

Then next time you’re sitting down for dinner, or before you settle into your evening routines, set aside 5 minutes and agree to power off the cell phones, turn off the television, and remove the distractions. Focus on the person you’re with, and let that person also accept you for who you are. There’s a good bet you’ll prove Dr. Aron’s studies, and create a surprisingly deep connection.


Robert F. James is a lecturer in creative writing at San Jose State University. He’s been a professional writer his entire adult life, and his writings primarily focus on the challenges of modern masculinity. He lives on a small hobby farm in the Santa Cruz Mountains of California, where he raises chickens, rabbits, and ducks while managing a small garden. He’s been a Sailor, a pastor, a television and radio personality, and a professional piercer. His eclectic background lends itself to an exploratory aspect of his writing. His work is an authentic reflection of the issues he puzzles over on a daily basis, and he spends a good deal of time outdoors to process them. A large herd of deer on the property seem to respond favorably to his ramblings.

Love Your Body

As men, we’re often told that we’re visually stimulated. That’s why we have “wandering eyes” that are attracted to that pair of breasts, or those swaying hips. We say to ourselves that it can’t be helped. It’s just the nature of things. Do we have to look? I’m sure there are many female forms to pass in front of me without a notice because my focus was elsewhere. Say like on the woman I’m actually with. But if I do look, it’s ok? Because it is natural to do so.

But we have to be careful, because the idea that it’s just part of our male DNA isn’t really holy writ. Just as it’s also not always true that women are emotion-driven and can do without the visuals. All you have to do is take a look at the comments of women who are swooning over those 6-pack abs on that male model, or the web sites (adult and otherwise) geared toward the visual stimulation of women.

The fact is all genders can be visually stimulated. Given the right mood, a man or a woman might prefer the languid approach of an erotic short story. But in a different mood, the same person might prefer perusing pages of naked bodies to arouse and inspire fantasies.

Now here’s the real trick. Too often, we have guilt or shame around looking at attractive bodies. And the prevalence of adult web sites and the easy access to pornography actually exacerbates the challenge. It becomes easier to hide what it is that’s turning us on. And because there’s such guilt and shame associated with it, we do just that: we keep it from our spouses and partners. Both partners do it. But we’re forgetting a crucial part of the equation: our partners are the people we’ve chosen to explore with. Rather than hiding things, we should be embracing bringing things into the light.

Where I have seen the biggest disconnect isn’t that I look at pornography, or that my partner looks at pornography. The disconnect comes from feeling like I shouldn’t be looking at it, which then extends to an overarching unhealthy view of sex. Even the real sex, in person, with my partner. That suffers, because I can extend my guilt and shame to what should be a very natural exploration and connecting activity. It took me a long time to realize that my partner finds my body sexy. And just like I enjoy looking at her body, she also enjoys looking at mine.

Here are some things to keep in mind, then, to keep your sex life active and healthy.

  1. Open Up. You don’t have to drag out every single list of sites you visited over the past decade. But start a conversation that encourages sharing rather than hiding. The next time a partner asks you to share a fantasy, take the opportunity to respond “Let me show you, instead.” You might just be surprised at what you get in response.
  2. Compliment the way you want to be complimented. It’s a safe bet that your partner wants to hear what you find sexy about her. The same holds true for you. But for some reason, we don’t think that could possibly be the case. So instead of giving a compliment and then walking away from it, try this. Give a physical compliment: “I love the way your hip curves right here.” And after she responds, have the guts to ask her what her favorite part of your body is. It might surprise you.
  3. Confidence is sexy. In fact, it’s an aphrodisiac. But we’re so used to seeing women as sexy, we forget that we can be sexy in the exact same way. Next time you get out of the shower and you have an erection, don’t run away from it. Let her see you aroused. And let her know that she’s the source of the arousal. Be confident enough to show your body in a way that makes both of you feel good. Let her know that you desire her. And show her how you want to be desired.
  4. Communicate. This is a hard one, because we’re not supposed to share our feelings. The next time she asks you what you’re thinking, try being honest. Don’t make her guess or read your mind. She isn’t any better at it than you are. So speak your mind. Speak your fantasies. Own them. Because #4 is the truth. And the more #4 you have, the easier #5 becomes.
  5. Have fun. Really, that’s all it is. What you and your partner are into might be completely different from what someone else likes. That’s ok. There’s no right or wrong way to engage in sex, unless you’re taking the joy and fun out of it. Then you should stop and remember what it was like when you were first discovering your own body, that first erection or first glimpse of a naked breast or pubic hair. Remember the excitement and anticipation the first time you kissed, or copped a feel, or made it to third base. Remember losing your virginity. It’s that it was new and exciting and you were filled with awe and wonder that another human being could touch you in such a way that you would lose all control. It was magical. And it was new. It doesn’t have to stop being that way, so smile and laugh and enjoy what you’re doing.

Robert F. James is a lecturer in creative writing at San Jose State University. He’s been a professional writer his entire adult life, and his writings primarily focus on the challenges of modern masculinity. He lives on a small hobby farm in the Santa Cruz Mountains of California, where he raises chickens, rabbits, and ducks while managing a small garden. He’s been a Sailor, a pastor, a television and radio personality, and a professional piercer. His eclectic background lends itself to an exploratory aspect of his writing. His work is an authentic reflection of the issues he puzzles over on a daily basis, and he spends a good deal of time outdoors to process them. A large herd of deer on the property seem to respond favorably to his ramblings.

I Want a Woman Like That

Who am I, but a man who is coming to know himself? You won’t know me by the the car I drive, or where I live, or the clothes I wear. I’m confident, and I know what I deserve. And what I deserve is nothing less than a remarkable woman able to meet me as the man I am.

I see the pictures here. And I’m no different than any other man. Yes, I want a woman who smolders with hunger. I want a woman who is my passion, my fire, my sex. I want her to fuck me like a challenge, the two of us competing in carnality. I want her legs wrapped around me pulling me inside her deeper and harder into that line between pleasure and pain. I want nails digging into my back and teeth on my lip and guttural growls as she gyrates against me until we’re both left exhausted.

But I also want a woman who is soft, and knows how to kiss my neck and seduce me…to fall into me and love me slowly, teasing it out like an exquisite torture. I want the woman who knows how weak I am for the curve of her hip, the rise and fall of her breasts, the scent of her skin, and who knows that love, not lust, is what speaks to me the deepest.

I want a woman who knows I’m a knight in shining armor for her. But I want a woman who is able to help me take my armor off and just love me as a man; soft and vulnerable and sometimes insecure and uncertain.

I want a woman who wants my vulnerability as well as my strength. And I want a woman who will lean into me the same way I’ll lean into her. I want her to accept my weaknesses and flaws the way she loves my conviction and focus.

I want a woman who is growing and fighting to be better. And I want a woman who inspires me to do the same. I want a companion in that growth, each admiring the other and cheering each success.

I want a woman strong enough to bow at my feet, letting my strength wash over her like a warm rain. And I want a woman strong enough to kneel in front of me and understand when I get on the floor and kneel there with her, too, humbled and proud.

I want a woman who can stand with me as boldly as she surrenders to me.

I want a woman who is a partner.

I want a woman who will struggle with me in the world, and a woman who can keep me at arms length and say “It’s ok. I’ve got this.” And if she doesn’t, then I want a woman who’s ok with me helping her back to her feet, dusting her off, and saying “next time.”

I want a woman who sees in me all the potential I have to be a great man, but who understands that I’m more than lovable just as I am right now.

I want a woman who challenges herself every day, and who challenges me right along with her.

I want a woman who pushes me, and who wants me pushing her, too.

I want a woman who will get up in the morning and go walking my trail with me, but who also will roll over, kiss my cheek, and let me go because she wants time to herself; to just sleep in. And I want a woman who knows sometimes, I need to go walk by myself for me.

I want a woman who understands when I have a lazy day, and have no motivation at all.

I want a woman who understands that sometimes I need to write instead of focus on her, and who is ok with that.

I want someone who’ll sit with me over coffee. Who’ll let me make her dinner. Who’ll surprise me with dinner. And when neither of us is energetic enough for surprising, then is fine going out for pizza.

I want a woman who laughs. And I want a woman who brings out my laughter.

I want a woman who isn’t afraid to cry, either. A woman who will show me all of her thoughts: the dark ones that scare her, the sad ones that make her feel unwanted. I want a woman who isn’t afraid to trust me with everything, and who wants me to do the same.

I want a woman who asks me what I’m thinking, and genuinely wants to know. And who helps me actually speak my thoughts and feelings.

I want a woman I can listen to.

I want a woman who walks her own path and lets me walk mine. But who knows when it’s time to hold my hand and walk together.

I want a woman who is rooted in herself.

I want a woman who, when I’m lost, can light my path back home. And a woman who trusts that I’ll see that light.

I want a woman who knows I’ll do the same for her, holding that lantern high. And I want her to trust me, that I’ll be here the way she was here for me.

I want a woman who will put a loving finger to my rambling mouth and say “Shhh. I hear you. You don’t have to talk any more.” I want a woman I can be quiet with.

I want a woman who sees me as her safe place, and who lets me shower her with love and affection and attention. I want to be showered like that.

And I want a woman who lets go; no reservations and no hesitations and no second thoughts. Even if there are doubts, I want a woman who’ll voice them and who’ll let me voice mine and who will let us work through them together.

I want a woman I can go on a date with, and have that date last a lifetime.

I want a woman who is kinky as fuck and vanilla as cuddles under a blanket watching a movie on a Saturday night. I want a woman who is thankful when I throw her around the room, but is just as thankful when there’s no sex, not even sexual intent. When there is just comfort and presence and security and the warmth of being mine, and I hers.

I want a woman who looks over at me and sees the man she wants. A woman who I can claim, and who’ll claim me right back.

And who am I? I’m a man who knows he deserves all these things and more. I’m complex and complicated and flawed and human and perfect in all my imperfections. I’m a rock, but I’m also vulnerable. I make mistakes, but I make up for them, too. And when I sit down across from her and I hold her hands and I look into her eyes, she’ll recognize me.

I’m a Daddy. I’m a Sadist. I’m a Dominant, Owner. Master. But I’m those things to myself first before I can be those things to someone else. I’m best friend and confidante and lover. She companions all of those. But I’m also just me. And just me is quite enough.

I’m real.

That’s a dangerous kind of man to have in her life. But I think maybe it’s a greater risk not to. And she knows it, too.

I want a woman like that.


Robert F. James is a lecturer in creative writing at San Jose State University. He’s been a professional writer his entire adult life, and his writings primarily focus on the challenges of modern masculinity. He lives on a small hobby farm in the Santa Cruz Mountains of California, where he raises chickens, rabbits, and ducks while managing a small garden. He’s been a Sailor, a pastor, a television and radio personality, and a professional piercer. His eclectic background lends itself to an exploratory aspect of his writing. His work is an authentic reflection of the issues he puzzles over on a daily basis, and he spends a good deal of time outdoors to process them. A large herd of deer on the property seem to respond favorably to his ramblings.